Day 11

Day 10

Day 9

I am trying a new communication technique.  it requires that i be direct about my feelings without attacking and when i am finished saying what i expect.
it was harder than i thought.

Days 5-8

over the past 8 days ALL awesome had been removed from my relationship and i couldn't really find any more inside me to put forward.  all i could find was a lot of anger and blame.  neither of those were very productive and honestly the most absurd, horrible, degrading, disrespectful argument i have ever had happened in the middle of the road in a foreign country. the amount of lines that were not just crossed but pole vaulted over were incredible.  shockingly we managed to come back from that on day 7 and the relationship was slightly re-invigorated.   but i am not sure where it left me.   i have to learn how to 1) maintain my own awesome so that i am not drained and broken just because the relationship is. 2) i must remember to replenish the awesome in the relationship when i can but also acknowledge when my SO is trying to replenish it as well. 3) don't be an awesome vampire.  in other words, don't drain him (or the relationship, or anyone) when i am feeling depleted.

Day 3

wow.  i failed at awesome today.  in almost every way.  i am feeling weak, stupid, and relationship retarded.  it is really hard to stay positive when you are engulfed by negative feelings about yourself and the things around you.
it's bed time.  tomorrow i will try again.

Day 2

so...a work colleague and friend just posted this on my fb page.

to be fair it is refering to something i said on 3 july BUT the point is still the same.  and while it is funny now and easy to laugh about, it is still worth examining HOW another person or people can have that much influence on my emotional state.  there are not many things i can control but i certainly should be able to control my emotions and the words i use to express them!

the thing is i am not really angry.  i am hurt. and sometimes it feels like all my feelings have spilled onto the floor and i can never gather them up in time to keep them from getting stomped on.  it makes me so...vulnerable to say "i am really hurting because of A but i am reacting to B because i don't know how to deal with the hurt."   especially when the hurt is lingering.

today's i decided to recognize this.  the challenge is to say it when i feel my emotions starting to spill out, even if i only say it to myself.  if i acknowledge the part of me that is hurting perhaps i can deal with the hurt instead of masking it with anger?  

cause when i am not angry it is waaaay easier to be awesome.

Day 1

Venting seems healthy in a lot of ways but it is so easy to cross over to just being a complainer.   i had to be extra careful today NOT to be a complainer.  Yeah, there are some things in my life that stress me out, and sort of stink. but on the whole, i have not a lot to complain about.  so the opposite of complaining: 

3 things that were AWESOME about today.

1) I went to spa night!!

2) I was with good friends!

3) I had sesame balls with chocolate syrup!!!

Wake up and be AWESOME

i moved to germany a year ago and between the move and the job and the insane life changes, i seem to have lost my way. i am riding the crazy train and it is time to get off. i was fortunate to get two really good pieces of advice in the last few days.


1) Frances: It is what it is so you have to deal with it and let the rest go

2) Sasha: you need to learn to emotionally check out
                you're too dramatic  :)
                except you're like a method actor
                you live that shit
                james dean died in a car crash too
                cept yours is more like an epic freight train wreck
                that ruptures underground gas lines and has ensuing explosions


Sasha summed it up exactly what i DON'T want to be while Francis gave me direction. so today i am starting my "lifestyle change." it is time to exorcise the drama and minimize the explosions.

every day for the next 30 days (because that is a GIANT commitment)  i am going to embrace the wonderful things in my life. enjoy the good moments, let the bad ones pass, and just take it one day at a time. if i can't say something nice, i am NOT going to say bless her heart.  instead i am going make-up something nice    and i am going to post it here to keep me honest.  and when it is hard i am going to remind myself that tomorrow i get to wake up and be awesome.