Day 1

i have been in a rut.  two actually.  and i am going to blog about it.  but not here.  here i am going to be thankful.  i am not going to be 100 happy days or the happiness project or whatever.  cause some days it is hard and you want to cry and nothing seems ok.  today was one of those days.  today i went through a long and arduous list of emotions, almost none of them positive.  i cried and i felt sick and i felt like my emotional pain was becoming physical.  it sucked.  but there was something awesome in all of it.  i shared a lot of deep and personal things with a woman i  previously thought was my enemy.  and i learned that sometimes, even when it feels like it will kill you, that approaching someone with compassion will be what actually saves you. i walked away with a better grasp on reality and honestly a new and close friend.  Today i am thankful for her and her compassion.  and her patience i searched for my own compassion.

Day 11

Day 10

Day 9

I am trying a new communication technique.  it requires that i be direct about my feelings without attacking and when i am finished saying what i expect.
it was harder than i thought.

Days 5-8

over the past 8 days ALL awesome had been removed from my relationship and i couldn't really find any more inside me to put forward.  all i could find was a lot of anger and blame.  neither of those were very productive and honestly the most absurd, horrible, degrading, disrespectful argument i have ever had happened in the middle of the road in a foreign country. the amount of lines that were not just crossed but pole vaulted over were incredible.  shockingly we managed to come back from that on day 7 and the relationship was slightly re-invigorated.   but i am not sure where it left me.   i have to learn how to 1) maintain my own awesome so that i am not drained and broken just because the relationship is. 2) i must remember to replenish the awesome in the relationship when i can but also acknowledge when my SO is trying to replenish it as well. 3) don't be an awesome vampire.  in other words, don't drain him (or the relationship, or anyone) when i am feeling depleted.

Day 3

wow.  i failed at awesome today.  in almost every way.  i am feeling weak, stupid, and relationship retarded.  it is really hard to stay positive when you are engulfed by negative feelings about yourself and the things around you.
it's bed time.  tomorrow i will try again.

Day 2

so...a work colleague and friend just posted this on my fb page.

to be fair it is refering to something i said on 3 july BUT the point is still the same.  and while it is funny now and easy to laugh about, it is still worth examining HOW another person or people can have that much influence on my emotional state.  there are not many things i can control but i certainly should be able to control my emotions and the words i use to express them!

the thing is i am not really angry.  i am hurt. and sometimes it feels like all my feelings have spilled onto the floor and i can never gather them up in time to keep them from getting stomped on.  it makes me so...vulnerable to say "i am really hurting because of A but i am reacting to B because i don't know how to deal with the hurt."   especially when the hurt is lingering.

today's i decided to recognize this.  the challenge is to say it when i feel my emotions starting to spill out, even if i only say it to myself.  if i acknowledge the part of me that is hurting perhaps i can deal with the hurt instead of masking it with anger?  

cause when i am not angry it is waaaay easier to be awesome.